Iffy and Spiffy

She loved her kids

She really did

She tried to not be an iffy parent

But who was she kidding

She could kid no one!

Even the kids themselves

Would say “are you kidding me mum?”

Cos they’d been Schooled

At Posh School

One of the Fancy Shmancy private ones

The ones that require lots of funds

Which isn’t fun

So they knew mum was iffy

But since they thought her spiffy

They thought —

If she’s iffy then as long as she’s also spiffy

Then it’s all taffy, which means toffee.

She said unto them,

Go Forth and Be Iffy and Spiffy Too, My Child.

And they did unto as Mother,

Or as they like to call her Smother,

Had instructed. Or ordered.

Lest she smother them 

Whilst they slumber in their beds at night.

Thus did the world’s supply of toffee multiply

Which they had with their morning coffee,

Because you should always have toffee

With your coffee

To give the spiffiness a kickstart

Each and every day,

Before making your way, in The World.

Helpful IKEA Instructions

Here’s all your bits, for some furniture you’ll love to bits

There’s quite a few pieces, we hope you don’t go to pieces

You came into the store and we didn’t let you leave,

we trust you did not take leave of your senses

We, the whole team, hope that the missing screw,

did not screw with your mind. 

And you enjoyed the Swedish Meatballs.